**WARNING: While this blog does not poke fun at religion, it is intended to be funny. If you're a religious zealot, or the type to condemn folks to hell randomly, this blog IS NOT for you. Negative comments WILL BE deleted**
Back story:
So I was talking to my girlfriend about the world ending today, and I had mentioned that another friend of mine was hosting a 'Looting After Rapture' event in honor of that. She said that won't be none of that going on, seeing as how everything will be gone, which prompted me to reply that there may be some interesting happenings during that time. she said that folks would be too busy pleading their case . I said any looting would have to occur after that, because it would be kind of hard for somebody to try to plead to Jesus with a stolen TV under their arm. It got us to giggling and talking about how someone would approach the Pearly Gates with a stolen TV under their arm, "See Lawd, wha ha'happen was…" Anyway, I told her that to me, Heaven should already have TVs. I then told her that I should blog about that.
So here it go:
My kind of Heaven would already have TVs in it. Big flatscreens that show nothing but music videos 24/7, and I don't mean that crap they show on MTV and stations like that. My kind of Heaven would show VH1 Soul. Good music you can groove to. Maybe some soca, or other Caribbean music, and plenty reggae. My Heaven would also have a Daddy Grace's or Sweetie Pie's on every other corner, and the food wouldn't make you fat or hurt your body in any way. I don't know about ya'll, but this good Christian will definitely need to eat while I'm in Heaven. All of my loved ones, friends and I would go to one of these places and eat all the time. We'd laugh and have a good ol' family get together, sharing the love of friendship and family.
My Heaven would keep the temp at 75 degrees, with gentle breezes and the occasional warm rain shower or thunderstorm. Everybody's mansion would have a huge veranda so we could sit out and enjoy the rain. Everybody's favorite flowers would bloom outside their mansion, and there'd be shady trees in every yard. You know the sun would be blazin' in Heaven, right? Gotta stay shaded. I wouldn't have to worry about the sun making me itch and feel bad, because I wouldn't need the blood pressure meds I take. Somebody would always be having a bar-b-que, too. That good music would be playing and folks would be having a ball.
While the niggas and hood-boogers would be welcome in My Heaven, all their niggatry (thanks Nori!) and hood-boogerness would not be. No bammas driving around with too loud music boomin' too much bass. No chicks fightin' over havin' the same baby daddy. No excessive cussin' (this is MY Heaven, remember?) and no 211 Steel Reserve. If you feel like you got to fight? Take that mess down to Satan's Place. just know that there's no return trip. There wouldn't be triflin' parents or bad ass kids either. Any kids in My Heaven would be good, well-behaved kids, and there wouldn't be any parents wearin' expensive clothes/shoes and kids looking like waifs. Everybody will be dressed good in My Heaven! Nobody would have to sell weed because weed would be free for everybody who wanted it. folks wouldn't have to lie about 'medicinal purposes' because there wouldn't be a need for medicine. I'd also have a tap in my mansion that only poured tequila.
Yes indeed, My Heaven would be perfect just me, and all of ya'll would be welcome. Well, maybe not ALL of ya'll. Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and a few others can't come. My Heaven is a 'Bullshit Free' zone. But the rest of ya'll are good!
Now, if I can just get God an'em to go along with it....
By the way, since the rapture didn't come today, the looting event was subsequently cancelled. Damn. I had hoped to get me a flatscreen too...
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