Release and Music

Release and Music

 

 

I am a victim of circumstance.

 

 

That's right. I said it. I AM A VICTIM.

 

More often than not I have been left hanging and or holding the bag for some schmuck at work. Because of the nature of my job, the circumstance leaves me stuck. I can't just up and walk away. It's not in my work ethic. So I sit holding the bag for some other person who just doesn't give as much of a shit as I do. Will I be compensated for my time? Monetarily, maybe. Physically, maybe. Time-wise, hell no. The time I lose by being stuck here, I will never get back. It sucks and I hate it, but it's the nature of the beast.

 

I love someone who can't give me the love I deserve back. It's just not in him to do so. I don't hate him for it. I just wish he understood himself better. Because he does love me in some capacity, and because of my obligations to him and others, the circumstance won't allow me to leave and truly find my happiness elsewhere. It's not in my nature to just up and quit on anyone, even those who clearly deserve my ass to kiss as I walk away.  So I stick it out, and keep trying to make things work. I know in my heart that someday I will fail. Not really sad about it. It's life.

 

Conversely, I love someone else who wants to give me the love I deserve. Circumstance won't allow us to be free to love each other openly. Society won't allow it either. So our love stays hidden in 01 codes and secret places. It sucks to be bound by a fucked up society's rules, and I hate hiding but again, that's life.

 

To release these frustrations and find some measure of sanity, I turn to writing and music. Writing clears my head. Music soothes my heart. I sing, sometimes to the top of my lungs without caring, just to get it all out. I write, pouring my emotions out on paper, to purge my soul and keep my head from exploding.

 

Imagine how nasty that would be to have MY brains all over your shirt…. Yuck.

 

Sometimes my words hurt the ones I love. I don't mean to, but sometimes the hurt is too much even for me. Sometimes my singing is bitter and off key. Those sour notes need to be sung though. None of it means I want to quit my job, or wreck my home, or even hurt those that mean the most to me. It just means I need to release.

 

Is that too much to hope for? Too much to ask?

 

I don't think so…