I know I'm not the only one
I've accepted it and
chose to carry on

So why does this still hurt?

I know he loves me
My place with him is secure but
my heart, she beats unsure
Riding high less than a day before
Now I feel… disconnected

Why am I so affected?

I miss his voice
his kiss, his caress
I miss laying my head
against his strong chest and
just listening to his heart
talk to mine
I know it does
and I hate to whine but
I feel… disconnected

When did I become this needy girl?

I'm ready to curl up and
cry myself into a coma
the aroma of loneliness
thick in my nostrils and
heavy on my tongue
I want to run and hide away
mostly from myself;
put these feelings on a shelf
in the back of some forgotten closet
before I lose it
I hate being so… disconnected

I need me back again












Some things are meant
to be left undiscovered…
Even in our never ending quest
to learn and grow,
some shit we just don't
need to know
Like,
the way she looks at you,
pleading for acceptance,
when you burrow deep
to the core of her
or the way she shows her
want for you by being wiling
to do any simple thing you say
Ain't no way in hell
anyone else needs to be
privy to such self-depreciation
The imagination can be
dangerous enough without
proof that you can be
just what the evil mind
has conjured
Prayers be made to
the Most High that
I
never fall out of grace;
that place reserved for
those who will never feel
your love is mere inches
above dirt and
Hades' depths…
Even if their steps led them
to such a lowly tier,
I hear their cries for you
in my sleep and I
feel their desire on my skin
It's not my sin or shame
and I place no blame
at the feet of
the one who made no
promises of fealty to
begin with;
just know that they will drift
in and out of my psyche
until you chase their
images away
and I still pray that
the time will never come
where I… am them

I Gotta Say It!

Here's a Can Opener… Free Yo' Mind, Fool!

 

 

I'ma make this short and sweet: There is NO correct formula for the perfect relationship. You work at it, and hope it works out.

 

Sometimes it does…

 

Sometimes it don't…

 

Just because that path works for you doesn't mean it's the right road for the next man/woman. It also doesn't mean you have free reign to laugh at/talk shit about/throw dirt on someone else's relationship that's working for THEM. If it ain't your bag, don't look in it.

 

We have a serious problem in this society. Too often, people look at someone's sitch and want to label it because tit aint what they're doing. People don't seem to realize that in a country that's supposed to be built on freedom, we have MORE PEOPLE who just don't seem to want to free their minds and open themselves up to even seeing that more than what they're used to just might actually be ok. What burns my britches with this is, many times it's the people who may be closest to that different sitch who have the most issue with it. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? You're so stuck in your own head space that you can't see the possibility of somebody else's?

 

Are you keeping you poor little mind locked in a steamer trunk or something?

 

Stop sitting around analyzing someone else's shit and look in your own toilet for a change. There are folks out there getting it done in the happiness department in a way that works FOR THEM! Appreciate the fact that they aint creating havoc in the universe, and if they are? The universe will deal with em. Almost everybody's favorite book admonishes us (college word!) to "Judge lest not ye be judged." Every religion on the planet has a tenet that says the same thing. Growing up we're taught it in school as the golden rule. Stop judging folks' lives! Actually consider the possibility that there is more to life, love and living that what YOU know. And above all else, if you can't be accepting or supportive? Keep it da fuck moving! Life is too short, and unfortunately you are too unreceptive to growing as a person. I'm sorry (actually I'm not). You just ain't ready…

Baby, Let it Go!!

Baby, just let it go….

 

 

I wonder how many folks out here are holding on to a dead relationship. You know who they are. One person has moved on, and the other person just won't let that death grip go, or both folks are trying to salvage a ship that sank the same night the Exxon Valdez did. They just don’t want to admit that it's over.

 

The bow is cracked wide open, baby. Just let it go…

 

I know it's hard to let go of a love you thought was solid, but sometimes you have to see it for what it is. It may have been something YOU wanted to last forever. That other person may not have been thinking long term. It may have been a case of something happened that damaged the relationship for good. You can't convince that person to come back if they've decided to move on. If they want to go on, LET THEM!! If they really want to be with you they WON'T LEAVE. Acting out like you're going to fall apart without them doesn't do anything except cement their thinking and make them move further away from you. Never let yourself appear desperate to someone who doesn't want you. You're giving them more power over you than they ever deserved! Your desperation is not going to change their mind. It may even make them dislike you.

 

Love and respect yourself first, baby. Just let it go…

 

Now there are some folks out there who have leaned on someone during a rough time in their life, and because that person was there for them they've 'fallen in love' with that person. That ain't love, sugar. That's over-inflated gratitude (translate: INFATUATION). Nothing wrong with being appreciative of a supportive friend. We all need a support system from time to time in life. The important thing is that we must not confuse being thankful with being in love. Now I'm not saying that real love can't happen from a situation like that, but more often than not it doesn't. The worse thing that can happen during a time like this is having sex with the person who is being supportive. All of those emotions that person is going through related to their sitch will transfer into that love mode because they are looking for comfort. I know this from experience. It NEVER works out. Especially when the person you've fallen "in love" with aint even yourns.

 

That 'P' aint got your name, rank, and serial number on it, boo-boo. Let it go…

 

Sadly, a lot of this comes from folks' fear of being alone. Sadder still, it seems to affect women more than men. More and more we associate 'happiness' with having someone physical to attach that happiness to. That ain't how it works, love. Happiness starts within each of us. The key is to look inside ourselves, find that happiness, and bring it out. There is no magic solution to it either. Sometimes finding happiness within yourself takes time and takes LEARNING YOURSELF FIRST. Once you've found what really makes YOU happy, then you can share that happiness with someone else. Happiness will never be found in holding on to a relation "ship" that has set sail.

 

Say "bon voyage," baby. Just let it go…

Release and Music

Release and Music

 

 

I am a victim of circumstance.

 

 

That's right. I said it. I AM A VICTIM.

 

More often than not I have been left hanging and or holding the bag for some schmuck at work. Because of the nature of my job, the circumstance leaves me stuck. I can't just up and walk away. It's not in my work ethic. So I sit holding the bag for some other person who just doesn't give as much of a shit as I do. Will I be compensated for my time? Monetarily, maybe. Physically, maybe. Time-wise, hell no. The time I lose by being stuck here, I will never get back. It sucks and I hate it, but it's the nature of the beast.

 

I love someone who can't give me the love I deserve back. It's just not in him to do so. I don't hate him for it. I just wish he understood himself better. Because he does love me in some capacity, and because of my obligations to him and others, the circumstance won't allow me to leave and truly find my happiness elsewhere. It's not in my nature to just up and quit on anyone, even those who clearly deserve my ass to kiss as I walk away.  So I stick it out, and keep trying to make things work. I know in my heart that someday I will fail. Not really sad about it. It's life.

 

Conversely, I love someone else who wants to give me the love I deserve. Circumstance won't allow us to be free to love each other openly. Society won't allow it either. So our love stays hidden in 01 codes and secret places. It sucks to be bound by a fucked up society's rules, and I hate hiding but again, that's life.

 

To release these frustrations and find some measure of sanity, I turn to writing and music. Writing clears my head. Music soothes my heart. I sing, sometimes to the top of my lungs without caring, just to get it all out. I write, pouring my emotions out on paper, to purge my soul and keep my head from exploding.

 

Imagine how nasty that would be to have MY brains all over your shirt…. Yuck.

 

Sometimes my words hurt the ones I love. I don't mean to, but sometimes the hurt is too much even for me. Sometimes my singing is bitter and off key. Those sour notes need to be sung though. None of it means I want to quit my job, or wreck my home, or even hurt those that mean the most to me. It just means I need to release.

 

Is that too much to hope for? Too much to ask?

 

I don't think so…

The Difference

The Difference (Speaking from Experience)

 

 

I have been wondering today about something not-so-commonplace among women.

 

Squirting…

 

Now this is supposed to be the ultimate proof that a man has satisfied his woman. He's giving it to her hard and heavy just the way she screams for it and suddenly there's this release of liquid from her vaginal region that signifies she's had the Big O. She's all uber-sensitive and telling him how much she loves him and he's got his ego in hyper drive because he made his woman squirt her feminine goodness all over the place. But here's what I'm wondering:

 

Did he

REALLY make her have that big O??

 

What if he didn't???

 

Does he even know the difference????? *GASP*

 

Sadly, folks, I'm beginning to think that most men/women don't.

 

If you're squeamish about this kind of stuff, now is the time to leave the post ---------------------------------------------------------->

 

Personally, I have only ever experienced an orgasm from intercourse twice in my life (and you would not

BELIEVE the guy that did it). I have had an orgasm during intercourse with the help of a vibrator on my button, but it was the vibe that produced the Big O, not the intercourse itself. Now that's not a slight to the man I was with. I'm just not an intercourse-orgasmer. Now I can have an orgasm all day long from direct clitoral stimulation, be it with a toy or with a damn good tongue. I have even squirted about 3 times during an orgasm from oral, and numerous times during an orgasm thru masturbation. But never from an orgasm during intercourse. I don't know many women who have, actually. But there still seems to be some kind of misinterpretation on grown folks' part as to just what is happening when a woman squirts.

 

A good friend quoted a 'freaky fact' that said that when a woman squirts it is roughly 90%

URINE and 10%

EJACULATE (I'm paraphrasing here). Now most folks will argue that a woman can't pass urine when she's having sex. And why not? When enough pressure is exerted on the bladder urine

WILL come out, and it has nothing to do with weak urethral muscles. It has everything to do with the laws of nature. Regardless of how strong a balloon is, drop a boulder on it and it will pop. Same with pressure on the bladder. If you've got a man or a woman with a good-sized strap pounding the pussy right and long enough and you will make a woman with a steel trap on her urethra squirt. It's just physics.

 

And have you ever

SMELLED the spot left after a good squirt?

 

Yuck!!

 

So, if it's entirely possible to put enough pressure on a woman's bladder to make her pee/squirt, isn't it also possible to

ASSUME that her squirting is an orgasm when it really isn't? Ask a woman to describe her orgasm and you may get 50 different descriptions from the poetic to the straight forward. Ask a woman who has squirted to describe it and if the descriptions are the same then you've probably got a woman who doesn't know the difference and has probably never had an orgasm. There is definitely a difference. An orgasm usually includes contracting of internal muscles in the vagina, which can exert enough pressure to cause squirting, but not always. It's usually caused by the intensity of nerve stimulation to the clitoris. Ask that same woman about a soul-stirring orgasm and watch how she reacts. Squirting usually doesn't bring the same vaginal reaction, and the liquid flow definitely isn't the same. Vaginal fluids usually have some thickness to them, while squirted liquid doesn’t. Lastly, the

TASTE is different.  Trust me on that one. Last thing you want is a mouth full of squirt, so get schooled before you do. I think it would be a good idea for both men AND women to really learn the difference. It will save a lot of men folk from getting their egos busted by a ball-breaking bitch, and keep a lot of women from having to lie to protect somebody's fragile manhood.

 

I will say that I find it rather cute that a man/woman will say, "You know you're about to squirt because it feels like you're about to pee." Um… HELLO?? Isn't that what it feels like when you really DO have to pee? So what makes you think it's NOT pee?? It's like they dismiss the whole concept of it being part urine so that they don't have to face the reality of being pissed on. It's like being pissed on will just ruin the whole act of sex or something.

 

Fine. Whatever.

 

Just remember this: she probably didn't have that Big O like you assumed she did.

 

And all you got was a golden shower for your effort…

Night Music

I had the most beautiful sleep last night!

I went to bed with my iPod on and it made me remember why I always loved going to bed with the radio on. Listening to music while you sleep does some wonderful things to my mind!

See, you have to understand, I come from a musical family. My mom sang as a teenager and my dad played about 4 instruments. My oldest sister sings, my brother and I played trumpet all through school and my youngest brother played drums. Only one of us who couldn’t sing or play an instrument was my baldhead baby sister. I can actually sing a little too, lol. We got some dancing fools in our family too. So music is a big part of life for me. Music is probably one of my bestest friends.
So anyway, I put on my favorite smooth grooves playlist and let the music carry me off to lala-land. I love the images slow songs plant in my head while I’m sleeping. Not really dreams I think. More like visual manifestations of emotions. People who are important in my life live through the music in my dreams. It’s kind of funny trying to sleep with ear buds in your ears, so I tend to wake up off and on, but the songs I heard during those waking moments were some of the ones I love most. Some Kem, Kenny and Chante’, Slim from 112, and Teddy P. just to name a few. I actually started listening to my iPod about 3:15 yesterday and didn’t take it off til about 5:30 this morning. That’s one helluva listening party! LOL

When I finally did turn my iPod off , I had gotten to song #69 (inappropriately appropriate enough considering the playlist I was listening to) out of a playlist of 332 songs. I woke up wanting to love on somebody very special in my life, but that’s another blog, lol. I also promised myself that I would go to sleep listening to my music more often. It soothes my mind and soul and helps me get into a better state of rest when I do. I can’t wait to go back to that beautiful place again!

DonutHead Returns

Ok, so they changed my schedule at work. For some odd reason the Pinheads-that-be made the executive decision to have only full-time supervisors working for them so the Chief PattyRoller flipped the schedule to appease their whiny butts. They seem to think that i'll enjoy working on a Saturday (NOT). So anywho, they had to add a new supervisor and who do we end up with? DonutHead 2. I'm sure you have a Mz. Know-Every-Damn-Thang in your place of business who tries to tell everyone how to do their job but doesnt know shyte from apple butter when it comes to her own.

If you dont, would you like mine? No? Damn....

This chick used to be an officer and tried to snitch her way into a supervisor post. Then she cried to the pinheads at the main office and they stroked her wrinkled ego (she's about 900) and we ended up with her. Now everyone else who is a supervisor on my job had to have training. This hooker figured she didn't need it so she never got it. Now she's making life a living hell for all the officers she supervises. After only a week they're ready to mutany and make her stand in front of a bus. She's belittled the boss, got another supervisor ready to punch her lights out and hasn't had the balls to step to me stoopid...yet. We shall se though... We shall see.


Anybody hiring?

For My SiSTAR

someday sis,

you'll have everything

you've ever wanted

in an exceptional man

he'll be the one

who doesn't try to

make you into his vision

of what you SHOULD be

he'll be the one who

sees you as you are;

all he's ever wanted,

needed, and desired

in a strong woman

he'll see your smiles

as the sun peeking

through morning clouds

to greet him

he'll see your tears

as raindrops and

hold out his hands

to catch each one

he'll see your faults,

your weaknesses,

your petty transgressions

as imperfections

in a beautiful pond,

meant to be admired and

not looked upon in shame

he'll see your beauty

as it radiates from

deep inside you

and be the mirror

to show it back to you

he'll be your bestest friend

most exquisite lover

most passionate confidant

he'll be the one who sees

no need to try to complete you

for he will only want

to add compliment to

your wonderful life

someday, sis

you will have your

knight on a white horse

not because he's a fairytale

or thin figment of some

whimsy in your mind

but because he knows

that a queen deserves

no less treatment than

to be swept away royally

someday sis,

you will have your one

who is true to you

and only you

and not some puffed up dream;

you will have your heart's desire

and the world will feel your love

someday sis,

someday soon…